How to Communicate with Challenging Individuals - Know Thyself

One thing that I have learned, for certain, throughout my years of communicating with many different behavioral types is that one-size does NOT fit all. That statement seems pretty intuitive and yet most of us continue to communicate with everyone in our normal fashion…whatever 'normal' may be for us. When we run into situations that just don't work…don't fit… it's because the other person is too stubborn, set in their ways, too talkative, unyielding, unresponsive, or worse. We rarely consider that it may be OUR approach that is the challenge.

Regardless of where the challenge is deriving, successful communication is within arm's reach. The process is a simple 3 steps, yet it takes your willingness to dedicate the time and effort to master each and every step. The 3 steps are as follows:

1. Know Thyself

2. Understand Others (Behavioral Style)

3. Adapt Your Style

Today, we will explore the first of these steps. Know Thyself. Most individuals, when asked, will assume to know themselves quite well. They may indicate that they communicate effectively and behave in a particular way that conveys their message well. When asked to describe themselves, they may use some of the words in one of the following categories:

• Assertive, Competent, Competitive

• Enthusiastic, Optimistic, Outgoing

• Consistent, Patient, Relaxed

• Precise, Knowledgeable, Thorough  

What people often fail to realize is that even if they are accurate in their description of themselves, this is not always, or even often, how others will perceive them. Individuals with a different type of behavioral and communication style may perceive the Assertive, Competent, Competitive person as Abrasive, Demanding, and Aggressive or the Enthusiastic, Optimistic, Outgoing person as Overly Confident, Self-Promoting, and Unrealistic.

There are several ways you can go about identifying your core strengths and weaknesses when interacting with others. Simply asking others can lead to false information and make individuals uncomfortable, especially a subordinate. Some ways to rectify this…

• Practice discussions with someone you trust. Be as natural as possible in the conversation and video/audio record this interaction. Play it back and scrutinize your word selections, tone of voice, body language, facial expressions. If empathy is a strong suit for you, imagine you are on the other side of the conversation and have a different behavior style. How would you feel? How would you react?

• Complete a 360 Assessment. Leveraging a 3rd party to administer an anonymous questionnaire to your superiors, direct-reports, peers, partners, colleagues. When results are received, the 3rd party should be able to help you analyze any strengths and deficiencies you may have based on others perception.

• Complete a behavioral Assessment and correlating coaching/training. Keep in mind that not all behavioral assessments are created equal. For example: a FaceBook assessment of 'Which Super Hero are You?' will not provide you the insight of a formalized DISC assessment.  

The bottom line… You need to first know yourself well. Your behavior and tendencies from tone of voice to facial expressions and body language, BEFORE you can effectively adapt your communication to others' styles'.

Keep an eye out for our next in the series … Understand Others.